There’s a saying, that you become like the people you spend most of your time with, well I spend a lot of time by myself. And most of the time I don’t know who I am or am I nothing at all, so it’s a pretty weak hand I think, the one that I’ve been dealt. When I look into the mirror, I see blurred images of what has been and what I’d like to be, but never who I am now. So what am I slowly becoming, or do I start to become nonexistent,  just a name that echoes, bouncing of the walls of my heart, all stripped down.

I tie strings on my legs to save me from the undertow, but I guess it’s all the same where I eventually reach the deep. I haven’t learned to swim in these currents, and the shore is just way too far, so it’s pretty easy to get lost, just watching the water as it gleams. A girl once told me, that I was the most precious thing she had in her life, and it still resonates in my soul every morning I wake up. But I think I have lost all of my value, and replaced it with all this guilt, it just keeps building though I beg and beg for it to stop.  And how am I supposed to raise my children, when I can’t even raise my sight from the ground, and from the things I should leave behind? They say that daddy never cries, but I’m a good liar, and the bathroom door is locked when I break down, I always get there, just in time.  They say I’m living the best days of my life, but why do I feel like they’re way past behind? I still want to believe there’s something better than this, and that one day every single thing in my life will be neatly back in line. Well, maybe that will never happen, ‘cause life is never perfect and I don’t think it even should be. But I must see something else in my mirror than just blurred, untrue images. And never the true me.

Remember how we used to hold hands, before we both would fall asleep? And how I would wake up in the middle of the night and see you looking at me, with a gentle smile on your cheek. Well, I guess you just forgot quickly what it was that you saw. ‘Cause when I did something stupid you didn’t think there was nothing good to hold on to, nothing at all. You said you hadn’t decided, whether you wanted kids or not. Well I could’ve helped you make that choice, ‘cause even the thought of seeing you with our child brings tears in my eyes, and even coming from me that’s saying a lot. You said you thought I was the man of your dreams, well I still could’ve been. ‘Cause I don’t think anyone has ever been more sorry than me, and I swear I could’ve made things right, every single thing. But you’re not the kind of person to look back, or to have second thoughts about your life. But deep down I know you’re just as scared as me, you’re just not willing to ever admit that I’m right. Instead of going after love, you got something else you’ve had in your sights and in your dreams. And I can honestly say that I’m happy for you, and wish you all the best, by all means. I just wish we could see more often, and that our conversations wouldn’t be so cold. ‘Cause sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still see us holding hands on our bed, still together and growing old. And I know you don’t believe it but I love you, and at first prayed so hard to have you back. And all those messages I sent, all of them, I really meant them, but somehow my screen never lit up, it just stayed black.  It’s hard to try and accept that once again, trying my best and saying I’m sorry isn’t going to be enough. I was raised to believe that we all make mistakes, but I guess it’s just a pretty phrase, yeah, so long buddy, good luck. And they say that after a loss, you should preach to yourself that life goes on, this will make you stronger, it wasn’t meant to be. But my life only goes on in only one place where I’m strong. Inside my head, where there is only one reality, the one that still includes you. Together with me.

At first it was kind of hard for me to understand what you meant when you said “I am with you always”. ‘Cause it’s not like You were there when I got kicked in the gut and called with names in my school’s hallways. And were You there when my mother said it would be better if she picked up her things and left, though she didn’t, but she made it sure that I’d never forget. That life would eventually kill me, and that it was mostly a burden just to exist. Oh yeah…You weren’t there either when I was forced to leave my home and tried not to listen to the crying of my kids. And God, why didn’t You stop me, when I decided it was okay for a boy my age to have his first drink. ‘Cause you know, girls don’t like guys who just sit at home every night filling papers with ink. I didn’t feel Your guidance when things were so bad, I couldn’t tell what was real and what was not. You didn’t tell me to snap out of it, when I turned my back on someone who cared, because of someone I had already lost.  

But I still believe You’re more than just a voice in my head, because at the end, You’re pretty much all that I’ve got. You’re the only one that says “I love you”, when others scream that you’ll never be enough. And if I’m still alive, then maybe I was wrong. Maybe You were with me all those times. Maybe it was You who cried STOP! when I thought I had had enough after some lonely night. And maybe, You and me should give our relationship another chance, you know, another shot. Thank You Lord for listening to me every night, as I try to cope with all of this stuff.  It has been written, that nothing can separate us from Your love. It’s such a comfort ‘cause I’ll probably do every single thing, that would normally make a person lose hope and move on. And I know this isn’t the last time I speak of my trials, that there will be more in the coming days. But I guess I’ll be fine ‘cause I have learned, that You truly are with me, always.

I once thought my all would be everything you would ever need. That my comfort would be enough to cover all the hurt and every drop you would ever be forced to bleed. But it turned out it wasn’t enough to fill even half of the emptiness you had inside. It left more than enough space for fear and doubt to hide. I grew weary of fighting and stripped myself of the symbol of our trust. I hung my head in shame, and accepted that I was just never enough. But even as time passed by, I left the door open for you to sneak back inside. I kept reaching into the dark, if maybe I got lucky, and could get a hold of you as you passed me by. Now my house has turned cold, ‘cause I still haven’t learned how to entirely close the door. I keep my hands raised just in case, if someone wandered in to lift my body up from the floor. And on some days I just try to keep myself breathing, ‘cause it’s really all that I can do. The only thing that has changed between us, the only thing that has changed. Is you.